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[28 Jun 2005|03:55pm]
I told Lily about James saving Snivellus.

I know I shouldn't have, but I didn't know what else to do. It was a desperate attempt to make her stop being so ridiculous about her feelings. There was no mention of Moony, werewolves, the shack, or the willow, just a very general story. She'd better believe me.

Remus and I have got a nice plan going to get them alone. If this doesn't work, then I'll give up. I just hate to see James throw away something that could be so good. He'll regret it later, even if he can't see that now.

I've decided that a truely happy life would be one with no regrets. Maybe that's why I'm pushing so hard for this to work out. I just want James to be happy. I want Peter to be happy, but I can't make his mystery girl like him unless I know who it is. I want Remus to be happy, too, but I can't cure his lycanthropy.

When they're all happy, I'll be, too.
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[24 Jun 2005|10:44pm]
I wouldn't have taken this thing with me. My parents packed everything of mine and left it on the front porch for Mr. Potter to pick up. It's here, I'm bored, and... I guess I need to sort some things out.

I don't feel like reliving my last night at Grimmauld Place, so no details of that. It's not as if, when I find this later and reminisce (isn't that what these bloody things are for? I don't know), I can look back on this entry and think "Oh, yeah, I had forgotten about that." I wish. I wish I could forget it all.

Some of the shit my parents told me has stuck in my head; I think that's why I'm writing. I need to figure out how right they were.

Mum said that I'm a Black. I'll always be a Black. I can leave the house, and I can make mudblood mixed-blood friends, and I can pretend I don't agree with their philosophy, but I'll still be a Black. My blood will still be pure, and my blood will still be superior. I will always know that I'm better than others, even if I choose to ignore it. I can't escape what's inside me.

She's right, in a way. I was born being told that I was above everyone else. Sometimes those thoughts sneak into my consciousness, and for a second I forget that they're wrong. I'm not above everyone else. Far from it.

James and his family have been very understanding. I had to tell them the whole story, and as much as I didn't like recounting it, it felt good to share it with not just James, but his parents as well. They care for me more than my parents ever have.

Think it would hurt get rid of this fucking blood?
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[21 Jun 2005|09:12pm]
Another lull in the owls and I find myself returning to this ruddy journal.

I've been swearing alot lately. Made the mistake of calling my father a "fucking bastard." Not a very smooth move. Spent the whole day in my room with no food. Tempted to sneak out, turn dog, and eat the first furry thing I see, but I'd regret it later.

Sent Snivellus a prank owl today, a love letter from my brother. Thought it was rather creative - spent a long time dyeing everything pink - but he saw right through it and killed the joke with a nasty comment about the poor werewolf they just put down. Damn him. Damn him and the ministry and those laws and ignorance. While I'm at it, damn myself for being such a bloody fool about this whole thing. Damn my parents for having me buying into all this pureblood shit. Damn... damn life. It sure isn't what it's supposed to be, for any of us.

Where do people get the idea that a werewolf isn't human? That a person is an inferior person because they happened to be bitten by the wrong animal when they were too young to even remember? It's not as if they chose to be bitten. It's not as if they chose to be branded for life. It's not as if they fucking chose to have that inside them.

Worrying alot about Moony, as if it wasn't obvious enough. It's just that I know James is full of unrequited love, but fine. Peter's surounded by crazy, demonic relatives, but he'll be fine too, I'm sure. Remus... well he's got me nervous. Maybe I just never realized how horrible his summers are, or how much I ignore and put down his problems. I don't know. I hate sitting here and thinking about it. I need to do something. I just need to hear back from Peter.

I'm leaving tomorrow night. Can't wait. Heading to Peter's for a night or two to freshen up and to try to make his summer a bit better. Then on to Moony's for the full moon. I figure if I show up after he transforms and leave before he's back to his old self, he won't be any wiser. At least I can be there to try to calm him down, and maybe prevent some of those scars he hates. Just hope I can get in and out of the shed without letting him out. Think if I waited in the corner of the shed until he showed up, he couldn't kick me out because the shed'd be locked? Then he'd know, of course, but there'd be nothing he could do about it.

Oh God, I'm asking my journal for advice. I'm really going mad.
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[19 Jun 2005|10:12pm]
I can't even believe I'm writing in this thing.

Locked in my room again, and bored out of my mind. Found this old journal and decided to give it a go. So far, it's not very exciting.

Nearly danced when I got a letter from Moony. First one in quite a while. Writing back to him took all of about five minutes. Got desperate an hour later and found this.

The usual family bs has been even harder to take these past few weeks. I'm getting more hostile, and therefore am spending more time in my room. I'm sixteen bloody years old and am still locked in my bedroom like a toddler. Utterly ridiculous. Don't know how much more of this I can stand before I blow. Sometimes that bottle of mum's tranquilizers looks awfully tempting, but I resist. Mostly because of James, Remus, and Peter. Without them I'd be lost.

This isn't much better than doing nothing, and the sun's starting to set, so I think I'll go watch it. Got a very nice view from my window.
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